Recommendation #21: Do what you believe to be Right and Proper and do not fret about public opinion (or connecting with the entire family)

Recommendation #21: Do what you believe to be Right and Proper and do not fret about public opinion (or connecting with the entire family)

This reminded me of my grandmothers recent set back. My grandmother is 83 and a feisty old bird. She is energetic, a busy body, and loves people, my grandfather calls her "his social butterfly". Needless to say, the last few years have been hard on her, health wise. She has had many health concerns but had worked full time as a beautician up until she turned 81. She put in 35 hours a week doing hair in her own salon, and when health problems forced her to retire she was devastated.

We saw her spiral down, suffering from depression, feeling like she now was a burden, and just lacking that bubbling, loud, abrupt personality that made her unique to us. She ended up having to have open heart surgery, valve replacement, and we were told in all likelihood would not survive because she only had 40% lung function. The doctors did not hold much hope of her getting off the ventilator that was required to do the open heart surgery. The month before surgery was due, we all traveled from across the country to see her, and even though we did not want it to seem like we were all coming to say our final farewells, we all knew that she would think that regardless of what she was told.

She surprised us all with her cheerful, bubbling self, and even though we all knew she knew the reason behind our visit, she made the best of it and we all spent a wonderful week with her as well as with all our other family members. It was a week to remember for all of us. Grandma played along and never discussed why we were all there, but I knew she knew it was to say goodbye to her. My mom talks to grandma everyday, she calls her rain or shine, and they talk for about an hour discussing what my grandma's day was like. I knew that this was going to be very hard on my mother, and tried to discuss it with her; she just smiled, and patted my hand and said she was fine. I had the feeling she knew something I did not and was not sharing it with me. We all left a week later, happy to have spent time together, as well as with grandma.

My grandmothers' surgery was scheduled for October 5, 2010, and all 5 of her children flew in to be with her. My mom was staying at grandma's house and spent the majority of her time at the hospital where grandma was awaiting surgery. The morning of surgery, with them all in the room, grandma gave them each a hug, said she loved them, and would see them later. My mom and her brothers could hardly keep the tears away as they hugged their mom for the last time.

My mom said this was the hardest time of her life; she paced for over 6 hours in the intensive care waiting area while my grandma's surgery went on. She also was relieved that it was taking so long, as she said that mean't that everything was going as planned. After 6 hours, the doctor came out and spoke to the family and said that grandma was in intensive care, and they could go in and see her. They were told that the next 24 hours was critical, and that they should not expect too much. They would try to get her off the ventilator, but not to expect that that would occur. My mom made the statement that they did not know her mother, and that she was not worried about the ventilator, that she knew her mother would be going home.

When they went to see grandma, she was hooked up to tubes, wires and had a lot of gadgets attached to her. The ventilator was in place down her throat and she was breathing because of it. My mom touched grandmas' arm and began to talk to her, telling her that they were all there, that she was doing fine and that she would be awake later that day. My mom looked up and saw grandma's eyebrows moving up and down rapidly, and asked the nurse what was causing that. The nurse chuckled and said your mom hears you, cannot talk and wants to let you know that she understands what you are saying. Needless to say a sigh of relief went out from everyone. That afternoon, the ventilator was removed from my grandmother, and she breathed on her own. The doctors had not held out much hope of that, and my mom in particular knew that my grandma's nature was to fight, and that she was not going to give up without one.

Grandma recovered nicely, was sent home 7 days later, and is doing well. The problem now is that we had all come to say our good-byes, and grandma had said hers as well. We all know that this could have and should have been our last farewells, but instead it was a practice run. We know that there will be more goodbyes, but we also know that we will get through them. When you have to face the end of life with someone who is that important to you it is a difficult situation, there is no book or rules to follow, you simply deal with it the best you can. The most important thing is to let each other know that they impacted your life, were loved, and will be remembered, regardless of what anyone else says or how they think it should be dealt with.

Recommendation #47: Find a Sincere and Caring Practitioner and hold on to that Professional

Recommendation #47: Find a Sincere and Caring Practitioner and hold on to that Professional

My family, mom and dad are going through the very same experiences as the author of Raising A Parent, with my moms parents who live in Wisconsin. This makes it very hard to address their issues when we live in Florida. My mom has said numerous times that she is SO LUCKY to have found my grandma and grandpa's doctor, a man of understanding, compassion, generosity and concern.

Dr. Blaha has been my grandparent's doctor for some 12 years. He has ingratiated himself into our family. Like the author, my mom, her brothers and sister are all able to call the office and speak to him about either grandparent at any time. They are free to discuss their concerns for both grandparents as well as raise any red flags that they have noticed. The staff there all know my grandparents by name, and talk highly of them, in fact when my grandmother was hospitalized with the valve replacement the staff sent her flowers. We all feel lucky and blessed to have such a great relationship with this staff and doctor, and make sure they know how valued they are.

My grandmother makes sure that she takes something special every time she goes to see Dr. Blaha, whether its cookies, an article she is reading, or a trinket she has picked up. Both my grandparents are very close to him and it is obvious he feels just as close. He does have a reputation of dealing with elderly people in this compassionate manner, and I know that he is busy 24/7. When my mother has a concern about an issue that my grandma has brought to her attention, she has on numerous occasions called Dr. Blaha and discussed it with him.

He has then called my grandparents, grandma or grandpa, whoever the concern is about and asked them to come in to see him. He does not say how this concern is relayed to him because we all know that grandparents would get upset if their children were trying to go behind their backs and discuss their problems with their doctor. Dr. Blaha just says that he did not like what the numbers showed the last time they were in and he wants to do a little more checking. My grandparents have NEVER not gone in to see him when he asked to do so, nor have they questioned why he called them in. Our family has COMPLETE TRUST AND CONFIDENCE in him and his abilities.

My mom has said numerous times that he is the angel on grandma and grandpa's shoulders that keep them going, and they are extremely lucky to have such a wonderful doctor in their corner at this time in their lives. This is a feeling that is had by the entire immediate family; because you have no idea of how lucky you are until you have a doctor that is not involved. One who is blunt, uncaring, and distant and makes you feel like your taking up his time. My parents have had several of those in the past when dealing with my grandparents over the last 20 years. So if you happen to find a great doctor, one who both your family and patients love, make sure you hang on to them. Let them know how much you truly appreciate them, their staff and the care and attention that they provide to your family members.

Recommendation #2: Listen carefully to what your parent is actually attempting to impart when talking or when rambling or even when mumbling

Recommendation #2: Listen carefully to what your parent is actually attempting to impart when talking or when rambling or even when mumbling

This is really made me chuckle, as I have recently been listening to my mom (60) discuss a variety of conversations with her mom (83). My mom had relayed in conversations with me that lately no matter what she says my grandmother is on the attack. She goes out her way to prove my mom is wrong, and in defense my mom then fires back and it becomes a full flung battle of the moms...to the death or at least until one just stops arguing her point, which rarely happens. My mom went on to say she does not know what to do when this happens, if she agrees, then grandmother thinks she is just pacifying her and creates a discussion, if she disagrees with her then again the same discussion begins.

I had said that my mom should just ask grandma what she feels is the problem, and what she feels would be a good solution. Ask her; do not try to solve it for her unless she asks to have it solved. Also, I had suggested that she not give her suggestions as to how it can be fixed, let grandma tell her how she thinks it can be fixed, that way grandma can not initiate the argumentative discussion. I know this really bothers my mom, like it did the person writing Raising a Parent, because their desire is to rescue and solve the dilemma for their parent, as it would be for most of us in trying to resolve issues for our parents.

I feel that sometimes my grandmother just wants to be heard, to feel that what she says has value and still has clarity of what she is discussing . My mom on the other hand, wants to help, and in doing so tries to enforce her opinion on my grandmother, whose nature is to rebel. I know that they in the end resolve the problem but it is like they do this dance, or maybe its more like a game of chess. In any case, I found the article interesting because of the fact that this is a situation that my mom is presently going through and I just happen to have read the article about this same event. So when I relayed what I had read to her, she also was intrigued and wanted to know what other pieces of information were offered in regards to dealing with aging parents.

Recommendation #7: Develop an end of life plan with the active input of one's parent

Recommendation #7: Develop an end of life plan with the active input of one's parent

This article was very heartfelt, and I was able to associate very easily with the "fixer", as I am one also. The only problem here is for me it was the other way around. I was the mother and my mother was me. What do I mean by that, well my mother is not at her end of life at this moment, but over the last 6 months has gone through two major life threatening episodes and she was the one who was prepared, and I was not. I came in and wanted to fix her and the problem, and when I realize I was not able to fix them I became withdrawn, and frustrated. I would lash out, not at her but at others around me in frustration, and felt that I could not talk things over with anyone, especially her.

She was the wise one, although only 60 she had a mindset of how things were to be done, and I realized she was trying to take the burden off me and the others of my family. She attempted to discuss the various issues with us on numerous occasions before these last two incidents and no one would hear of it. She finally wrote me a letter telling me she needed me to hear her, not just listen to what she was saying, but to hear her and understand her. I agreed to try, and we discussed many things over a period of three hours, I understood that she needed to have me hear her plans, wants and needs in regards to her death. She was fearful that she would not survive the surgeries, or have results that would prevent her from telling us what her wishes were. That it would all come to late. I discovered that once she had told me, and she knew I understood that it took a big burden off of her. That she knew I would follow through with her wishes and that everything she wanted to have done would be done.

Thankfully, she came through both major life surgeries with few repercussions, and is back home. But she knows and I realize that she is part of her last days, and she will play a role in how they come about since I know what it is she wants to occur. She is relieved to know that whenever her time comes we will honor her wishes in all areas she has asked us to do so.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF MOTHER’S PERSISTENCE

Raising a Parent, What About Tomorrow? The Experiences of One Family by Aaron Liberman, Ph.D.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF MOTHER'S PERSISTENCE

This article really stirred memories in me. I truly believe that all parents at some point want to believe their child is gifted, musically or otherwise. Having read the article I was instantly reminded of my musical ability, none, which was thrust onto me in 5th grade. My father in this case played saxophone, not professionally but for his enjoyment. He played fairly well and I remember sitting in my room doing homework while he blew his horn. There were times I would pick up the sax and he would show me briefly how to hold it, and blow into it. I remember his favorite music was jazz, and I can still hear the sounds in my head from time to time when I think about his playing.

That year my mother decided I had a musical ability, and would take lessons from Becker Music, as well as join the school band. I tried as hard as I could to talk her out of it, to no avail, and even tried to get my father to intervene on my behalf. He felt that it would be good for me to try an instrument, and my mom said it would keep me busy, and out of trouble. So for the next three years I endured both music lessons and band practice. At first it was painful to go to both, but within time I began to look forward to going. Especially since I could by then play some actual songs, not just notes.

Over the next three years I came to enjoy playing the saxophone, and at one point considered taking it in high school as well. But with sports looming in front of me, and my desire to be a jock I went for the athletics and not the band. That was an area that I did excel in and found my niche in both football and track. Now that I am in college, I do look back at that and realize that I do have some musical ability, and had I continued to play the sax I may have even been fairly good. I still enjoy my dad playing his sax, and I realize I am drawn musically to jazz and the blues in my selection of music. Again, this attraction was influenced by my mom and dad, who truly believed I had talent, and were determined to draw it out of me, whether I liked it or not.