Recommendation #2: Listen carefully to what your parent is actually attempting to impart when talking or when rambling or even when mumbling

Recommendation #2: Listen carefully to what your parent is actually attempting to impart when talking or when rambling or even when mumbling

This is really made me chuckle, as I have recently been listening to my mom (60) discuss a variety of conversations with her mom (83). My mom had relayed in conversations with me that lately no matter what she says my grandmother is on the attack. She goes out her way to prove my mom is wrong, and in defense my mom then fires back and it becomes a full flung battle of the moms...to the death or at least until one just stops arguing her point, which rarely happens. My mom went on to say she does not know what to do when this happens, if she agrees, then grandmother thinks she is just pacifying her and creates a discussion, if she disagrees with her then again the same discussion begins.

I had said that my mom should just ask grandma what she feels is the problem, and what she feels would be a good solution. Ask her; do not try to solve it for her unless she asks to have it solved. Also, I had suggested that she not give her suggestions as to how it can be fixed, let grandma tell her how she thinks it can be fixed, that way grandma can not initiate the argumentative discussion. I know this really bothers my mom, like it did the person writing Raising a Parent, because their desire is to rescue and solve the dilemma for their parent, as it would be for most of us in trying to resolve issues for our parents.

I feel that sometimes my grandmother just wants to be heard, to feel that what she says has value and still has clarity of what she is discussing . My mom on the other hand, wants to help, and in doing so tries to enforce her opinion on my grandmother, whose nature is to rebel. I know that they in the end resolve the problem but it is like they do this dance, or maybe its more like a game of chess. In any case, I found the article interesting because of the fact that this is a situation that my mom is presently going through and I just happen to have read the article about this same event. So when I relayed what I had read to her, she also was intrigued and wanted to know what other pieces of information were offered in regards to dealing with aging parents.

Recommendation #7: Develop an end of life plan with the active input of one's parent

Recommendation #7: Develop an end of life plan with the active input of one's parent

This article was very heartfelt, and I was able to associate very easily with the "fixer", as I am one also. The only problem here is for me it was the other way around. I was the mother and my mother was me. What do I mean by that, well my mother is not at her end of life at this moment, but over the last 6 months has gone through two major life threatening episodes and she was the one who was prepared, and I was not. I came in and wanted to fix her and the problem, and when I realize I was not able to fix them I became withdrawn, and frustrated. I would lash out, not at her but at others around me in frustration, and felt that I could not talk things over with anyone, especially her.

She was the wise one, although only 60 she had a mindset of how things were to be done, and I realized she was trying to take the burden off me and the others of my family. She attempted to discuss the various issues with us on numerous occasions before these last two incidents and no one would hear of it. She finally wrote me a letter telling me she needed me to hear her, not just listen to what she was saying, but to hear her and understand her. I agreed to try, and we discussed many things over a period of three hours, I understood that she needed to have me hear her plans, wants and needs in regards to her death. She was fearful that she would not survive the surgeries, or have results that would prevent her from telling us what her wishes were. That it would all come to late. I discovered that once she had told me, and she knew I understood that it took a big burden off of her. That she knew I would follow through with her wishes and that everything she wanted to have done would be done.

Thankfully, she came through both major life surgeries with few repercussions, and is back home. But she knows and I realize that she is part of her last days, and she will play a role in how they come about since I know what it is she wants to occur. She is relieved to know that whenever her time comes we will honor her wishes in all areas she has asked us to do so.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF MOTHER’S PERSISTENCE

Raising a Parent, What About Tomorrow? The Experiences of One Family by Aaron Liberman, Ph.D.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF MOTHER'S PERSISTENCE

This article really stirred memories in me. I truly believe that all parents at some point want to believe their child is gifted, musically or otherwise. Having read the article I was instantly reminded of my musical ability, none, which was thrust onto me in 5th grade. My father in this case played saxophone, not professionally but for his enjoyment. He played fairly well and I remember sitting in my room doing homework while he blew his horn. There were times I would pick up the sax and he would show me briefly how to hold it, and blow into it. I remember his favorite music was jazz, and I can still hear the sounds in my head from time to time when I think about his playing.

That year my mother decided I had a musical ability, and would take lessons from Becker Music, as well as join the school band. I tried as hard as I could to talk her out of it, to no avail, and even tried to get my father to intervene on my behalf. He felt that it would be good for me to try an instrument, and my mom said it would keep me busy, and out of trouble. So for the next three years I endured both music lessons and band practice. At first it was painful to go to both, but within time I began to look forward to going. Especially since I could by then play some actual songs, not just notes.

Over the next three years I came to enjoy playing the saxophone, and at one point considered taking it in high school as well. But with sports looming in front of me, and my desire to be a jock I went for the athletics and not the band. That was an area that I did excel in and found my niche in both football and track. Now that I am in college, I do look back at that and realize that I do have some musical ability, and had I continued to play the sax I may have even been fairly good. I still enjoy my dad playing his sax, and I realize I am drawn musically to jazz and the blues in my selection of music. Again, this attraction was influenced by my mom and dad, who truly believed I had talent, and were determined to draw it out of me, whether I liked it or not.