Recommendation #21: Do what you believe to be Right and Proper and do not fret about public opinion (or connecting with the entire family)

Recommendation #21: Do what you believe to be Right and Proper and do not fret about public opinion (or connecting with the entire family)

This reminded me of my grandmothers recent set back. My grandmother is 83 and a feisty old bird. She is energetic, a busy body, and loves people, my grandfather calls her "his social butterfly". Needless to say, the last few years have been hard on her, health wise. She has had many health concerns but had worked full time as a beautician up until she turned 81. She put in 35 hours a week doing hair in her own salon, and when health problems forced her to retire she was devastated.

We saw her spiral down, suffering from depression, feeling like she now was a burden, and just lacking that bubbling, loud, abrupt personality that made her unique to us. She ended up having to have open heart surgery, valve replacement, and we were told in all likelihood would not survive because she only had 40% lung function. The doctors did not hold much hope of her getting off the ventilator that was required to do the open heart surgery. The month before surgery was due, we all traveled from across the country to see her, and even though we did not want it to seem like we were all coming to say our final farewells, we all knew that she would think that regardless of what she was told.

She surprised us all with her cheerful, bubbling self, and even though we all knew she knew the reason behind our visit, she made the best of it and we all spent a wonderful week with her as well as with all our other family members. It was a week to remember for all of us. Grandma played along and never discussed why we were all there, but I knew she knew it was to say goodbye to her. My mom talks to grandma everyday, she calls her rain or shine, and they talk for about an hour discussing what my grandma's day was like. I knew that this was going to be very hard on my mother, and tried to discuss it with her; she just smiled, and patted my hand and said she was fine. I had the feeling she knew something I did not and was not sharing it with me. We all left a week later, happy to have spent time together, as well as with grandma.

My grandmothers' surgery was scheduled for October 5, 2010, and all 5 of her children flew in to be with her. My mom was staying at grandma's house and spent the majority of her time at the hospital where grandma was awaiting surgery. The morning of surgery, with them all in the room, grandma gave them each a hug, said she loved them, and would see them later. My mom and her brothers could hardly keep the tears away as they hugged their mom for the last time.

My mom said this was the hardest time of her life; she paced for over 6 hours in the intensive care waiting area while my grandma's surgery went on. She also was relieved that it was taking so long, as she said that mean't that everything was going as planned. After 6 hours, the doctor came out and spoke to the family and said that grandma was in intensive care, and they could go in and see her. They were told that the next 24 hours was critical, and that they should not expect too much. They would try to get her off the ventilator, but not to expect that that would occur. My mom made the statement that they did not know her mother, and that she was not worried about the ventilator, that she knew her mother would be going home.

When they went to see grandma, she was hooked up to tubes, wires and had a lot of gadgets attached to her. The ventilator was in place down her throat and she was breathing because of it. My mom touched grandmas' arm and began to talk to her, telling her that they were all there, that she was doing fine and that she would be awake later that day. My mom looked up and saw grandma's eyebrows moving up and down rapidly, and asked the nurse what was causing that. The nurse chuckled and said your mom hears you, cannot talk and wants to let you know that she understands what you are saying. Needless to say a sigh of relief went out from everyone. That afternoon, the ventilator was removed from my grandmother, and she breathed on her own. The doctors had not held out much hope of that, and my mom in particular knew that my grandma's nature was to fight, and that she was not going to give up without one.

Grandma recovered nicely, was sent home 7 days later, and is doing well. The problem now is that we had all come to say our good-byes, and grandma had said hers as well. We all know that this could have and should have been our last farewells, but instead it was a practice run. We know that there will be more goodbyes, but we also know that we will get through them. When you have to face the end of life with someone who is that important to you it is a difficult situation, there is no book or rules to follow, you simply deal with it the best you can. The most important thing is to let each other know that they impacted your life, were loved, and will be remembered, regardless of what anyone else says or how they think it should be dealt with.